Days gone by I thought I had it all, wrapped in little boxes, now I find I never had it all, just took better chances...

You know what sucks more than anything? Having all of your hard work count for nil. There have been several instances in this semester that I have worked my tush off, and for what? That's one really craptacular part of my program, and sometimes just college and life itself, we work our butts off but when it comes down to it the part/job/whatever-kind-of-a-reward-it-is will end up going to someone else because of really superficial stuff, be it sex, hair color, or some form of nepotism. Why do it? I don't know why and the more I ask myself that question the further and further I get away from any semblance of an answer. Why deal with situations where hard work doesn't pay off?

I thought, and was raised to think, that the harder I worked the more opportunities would be available for me, but what if that's wrong? What if there is no such thing as being able to make a living for yourself based off of hard work alone? What if it REALLY is WHO you know that matters versus WHAT you know? Why the hell go to college at all? I had a "friend" (this is a loose term) once tell me they belonged to a frarority for the networking, that that's the only reason they went to college. And I can't help but wonder why I waste my time being in a system where that is true, where we can only get what we want based on the people we know, that there is no such thing as an honest day's pay. Does this mean I should just give up? Just stop trying? Or worse yet, do I buy into it completely?

This is not to say that I have not myself opened up myself to opportunities based on the people I know, but I sincerely hope upon hope that I never received any sort of job just because of who I knew, that any role I have played was given to me because I would be able to do it proficiently. I remember when I was young I performed in a program that my mom did and I had other performers tell me that the only reason why I was there because of who my mother was. Yes, because of who my mother is I was pre-disposed to the program, but if they truly knew my mother (as I do) they would have known that my mother would never have even entertained the idea of my performing if she thought that I would not be as good if not better than the majority of those around me. And if I truly wanted to live in a way where I would be open to more opportunity based on who I knew I could've stayed in Alaska, my family being well-known there if very little I would not have been able to do based on my connections alone.

But that's not the path I chose, I chose what is now looking to be a much bumpier road because I put an entire continent between me and everything that was ever familiar. And no, I know no childhood friends at school and I can't drive home for breaks and everything will probably continue to be twice as hard for me because I am not well known, my family is not well known and all of the opportunities and experiences I once had means nothing to those I know now. But from this distance I can strip off my name, I can discard my state, I can forget for a second that I'm a "Swalling" and that in a different place that means something. I have lost the rifle, the uniform, the costumes, the politics and everything else that I used to define myself with because that's how I was born and raised to define myself. And slowly and clumsily I sew together my own identity, I leave myself open to influence and chance knowing the mask I wear today will be a different one tomorrow. And though there are those I allow to encourage me and to help me I will not make their identity mine, I will not fall into a trap where I reap that which I did not sew. And I will continue to work hard because that is the only way I know how and hope that someday I will be seen for who I am and not who I represent.